What should I do???

its been more then 2 months sense i have been here........its just too hard.  i know it might sound crazy but i think i need grief consoling.  i just cant get past this.  and i am no softy.  i have been thru so much in my life.  child abuse, sexual abuse, bad boyfriends, just a super hard life in general and i am able to move on from all that without it effecting me.....but this.......the death of my baby boy Billy......i just cant get thru this.  i keep blaming myself for not noticing he lost weight and stopped eating early enough.  and the fact that we had no money probably played a part in billy not getting all the help he could have had if we had more money.  not being able to take him to the specialist because they wanted payment upfront and we had not one penny.... :(  and of course i will always second guess myself for finally after over 3 weeks of treatment at the vets.....i let him go.  would he have come out of this if i just took him home and tried to love him enough to get better?  would he have done better being treated at home?  if i never moved to las vegas 3 years ago, would he have still gotten sick?  if i didnt switch food a few weeks earlier would he still be alive, if i would have taken him to the vet a day or two earlier would he still be here?  i just..........i just cant stop thinking and crying and blaming myself and i just freaking miss him so damn much!  i feel like i want to die too!  :(